Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Trust Violated

I was faced with a dilemma yesterday. Someone I highly esteemed lied to me. What she had been sharing with me about another person throughout the year wasn't accurate at all. Or, at least what she shared with this person face-to-face did not match in any way with what she had shared with me. First of all, I didn't ask for this information ...it was freely offered to me. Second, I felt I was given more information than I wanted to hear because I deeply care about this other person.
Personally, I am crushed.


This person understands very little about conflict resolution. She flits from one person to another telling her poor victims what she thinks they want to hear all for the sake of avoiding confrontation. This all sounds good and well except when the truth spreads like wildfire and trust is violated ...hurt and disappointment force their way into what used to be built on trust and respect.


Quite frankly, someone I would have been proud to emulate has plummeted from her pedestal. Of course I can forgive, but that isn't really the point I want to emphasize. Rarely is it possible to ever rectify a friendship back to where it used to be when dishonesty shows its ugly head ...it is a destroyer of relationships. Every time I talk with her now I'm questioning her honesty.


The lesson learned: Problems need to be resolved with the people directly involved and not with those on the periphery. It isn't rocket science to know that the truth will eventually surface and the lies will be exposed for what they are ...lies! What could have been resolved quite easily and amiably by going to the person directly was instead covered up with lies!

Let's be grown-ups and resolve our conflicts appropriately because whatever bed we choose to make, whether it's one blanketed with truth or lies, it's one we're going to ultimately have to lay in. Let's just face it ...either one we choose will have life long effects! Why not choose the honest, happy, peaceful, friendly route??

Marisa

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Marisa,
First of all, this is Scott. For some reason, this site will not allow me to post under any other thing than anonymous.
More to the point, however, I think it is the last line of your blog today that answers your own question. You mentioned why not choose the honest..."friendly" way to start with? That's your answer. Most people have their own agenda. Face it; we all have our own agenda. For some it's honesty, for others it's not. But the big thing is that, most people, want to be liked by others and DO NOT see the honest approach as always the "friendly" one. "How can it," they start, "be friendly if you end up fighting?" These people would rather lie than fight. The problem I have come to see is that, in the end, it is "friendlier" to fight about the truth than to lie and let it fester and catch up later; however, we all tend to procrastinate...
I agree, Marisa, we should be honest and clear about our dealings and such. This would include asking questions, even if tough, about the situation to make certain no assumptions are made.

Anonymous said...

This is Tanya. I am reminded of several verses that speak to such issues. Ephesians 4:15...let's grow up and be truthful, 5:6-7...let's all be very careful of who we bear our hearts to, 5:11-13...exposure. I know the real world doesn't always care to follow biblical wisdom but, I agree with you. "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you....if he will not listen,take one or two along...witnesses."Matthew 18:15-16. Some are very content to listen and believe those who continually have a critical spirit, rather than seek truth. Gossip can kill another's spirit. Ladies have to be very careful to guard their minds and hearts from the sin of gossip. I am so thankful we have such a beautiful sisterhood and bond. Thanks for the gift of you!

Anonymous said...

Marisa,
I am so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, we are all flawed human beings. Even those whom we esteem let us down... that is one of the tragedies of this world. It also reminds us to keep our trust in Jesus because He is the only one who will never let us down! I know wanting to be a people pleaser, which often leads to gossip, is often a sign of low self-esteem. I would encourage you to lift up the one who hurt you in prayer and remember that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. With the other person, however, I do encourage you to go to her and clear the air. Don't give satan a foot hold by allowing a bitter root to build up.

Blessings,
Misty

Marisa and Brittany said...

Scott,

You brought up an interesting perspective. I think you're absolutely right in saying there are people who do not find the honest route the friendly approach and sometimes it isn't initially. But, in the end, when conflicts can be resolved through an open, honest interchange, relationships deepen and trust continues to build.

I find it interesting that people risk severing wonderful relationships for the sake of avoiding conflict. Everyone loses when under such circumstances ...very sad.

Thank-you for your honest, open friendship, Scott! You're a treasure!

Marisa

Marisa and Brittany said...

Tanya,

Ladies DO need to guard their hearts and minds from the sin of gossip. I'm still baffled by this situation ...I'm even more disturbed that someone I dearly love was forced into making a life-altering decision because of it. God is all-powerful and ever present! He can turn this hurt & disappointment into a miraculous blessing for this gal and her precious family ...this will continue to be my prayer!

Love you my friend!!

Marisa

Marisa and Brittany said...

Misty,

Thank-you for your words of encouragement!! Grace and mercy is all a part of relating to those around us. As messy as circumstances get at times, God truly gives us the strength to forgive ...for that, I am so thankful. My weakness is I want to fix things and that isn't always possible, in fact, more often than not it is impossible.

The difficult part of all of this for me was having to stand back and watch it all happen. I couldn't intervene and expose the deceit for reasons I won't go into here. As a result, lives were gravely affected. As I mentioned to Tanya, now it is time for me to have the faith and trust in my Lord (as you so perfectly reminded me to do) to believe He is holding the control handles, as He has all along ...one thing I've learned over the years is we are too small to screw up what God has going in our lives. He will take this unfortunate situation and turned it into a blessing, I'm sure of it :)

God bless you for your sweet, sweet spirit, Misty!!

Marisa

Anonymous said...

hi this is Karen. That is very frustrating. I have had experiences like this. but there can also be a twist to it. I had a situation with an individual that it turned out they had a mental disorder-bi-polar.somehow these lies were truths to them. so it was frustrating where they had one view of truth. it is really nice when you can calmly talk about any understandings without conflict.with different communication, emotional,education levels-it puts us all on in frustrating situations. so focusing on honesty is the best because while being able to forgive is possible;it is a longer road on regaining trust.

Marisa and Brittany said...

Karen,

Thanks so much for your response! You brought up some interesting points. Certainly we have different expectations of people. Some people aren't mentally capable of communicating in the same way we do ...the same rules don't always apply.

I love that you mentioned the "price" that often times goes along with forgiveness. Not only is the road to regaining trust much longer when that trust has been violated, but forgetting for me is the hard part. I can forgive and not hold any animosity, but I will not easily forget.

Marisa